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Thursday, August 05, 2010

its just another day gone by.

shall do it in numbering form so it won't get so messy like my life.

1. yes, i went to crash a freshman orientation camp from the 24th to 29th july (from the catholic society apostolate of ntu). it was awkward for me initially and i really hate lying and putting false fronts thus the first 3 days i was feeling pretty much guilty and displaced. keep questioning myself why am i here? its like some days i just put myself in such situation, and i wonder why, half regretting (that i am torturing myself with such reminders that i am not where i was supposed to be). i guess its more like for the fun and spontaneity in life i suppose that i even agreed in the first place. perhaps i was looking for some signs as well (since this is some catholic camp, thought god might give me some answer). nevertheless, its all nostalgia of games (pretty much similar to those of CJ orientation) and of a school life ( i am really that out of touch of being a student already, can't imagine much of hitting the books and hardcore studying some days though deep down, i want to)

2. i guess i am digressing from the point above. nevertheless, positive thoughts from the camp. during the camp, we watched the movie- the blind side (oscar worthy indeed), telling that there are really genuine people out there (kinda gives me some hope from this cold realistic society of singapore, or rather? comparing to life in singapore.. kinda sad). however however, i am really touched with the people there (for one i thought they would like look at me funnily or like wth cause i am not a uni student and such, that i do not belong there), but they didn't! even supported me in the choice that i am making in life, making me feel that everything is alright, and i am not some misfit and such. thank you guys, i am really glad to know you all.

3. its like when i start telling people that i am not going to uni, there are more things that people confess/share with me. like their routes they took, no matter how long, no matter how old they are now, they are in uni, and once you are there, everyone is the same.. (thought doubt much that i will go to our local uni..)

4. many sighs.

5. break camp on thurs, haha, i am not sunburnt seriously. though my scalp is. but i am browner! some days i just feel like tanning. the others, (i think under the influence of my mum), i can't imagine growing old with all the skin problems. lol! but then again! looking tan= looking healthy? no?

6. had a 'reunion' with hy, yj and joanne, travelled all the way to jurong east (weird place to meet up, cause seriously, what's there in the west? haha. its just one of the areas that you hardly go to... even the skating rink is gone). met up with yj and joanne the next days to bake cookies/ cook pasta.

7. sometimes just missing the old days where we can be carefree as students. mug hard, play hard. though seemed to be more of the later for me. i regret not being a total mugger that is. what has life got for me now?

8. went for some job interviews yesterday (since technically its a new day now), some company has really incredulous deals that makes it sounds so dubious.. sigh, i need a job. or each day seemed so wasted. i feel stressed being at home. ):

9. has a post csa foc outing at timbre. great music and food (: though i am feeeling really poooor now (cause of the negative cash flow mentality! hahah, stressss)

10. oh before all these outings today, 2nd aug, happy birthday ryan! (: (: hope you enjoyed yourself that day though i am pretty fail at planning a nice birthday for you, and your gift i pretty much owned. and you wont be out for a long long time. i have to rmb that its 9 weeks that you are being confined sia. thanks for the day, though its suppose to be your day!

11. fruit juice shall be enough to be my alcohol.

12. thank god for the people in my life. yes that, though everything else is pretty much screwed up (which isn't really when you look at another angle, i am tired of being so pessimistic and realistic which unfortunately i am brought to face everytime).. i am really not happy that my parents have to be so anal about my friends all the time.. sigh. i am tired of arguing back to them, cause i am still living in your house. some days, some selfish thoughts when we are angry at each other, i thought of just abandoning... they really know not what i think. you think i like what i am doing now?

13. i can't believe i do not know the band- vertical horizon. those songs like best i ever had, everything you want... so classic.

14. i see nick tan perform at the esplanade again today. he is a good musician.

15. thats about it.. i am going depressed again.

tell you what, if not for them, i would have suicided many times over. and thank god still, that i still cherish my life, for its too soon to be gone, i have yet to live a fulfilling life. i am just tired of the life i am leading some days. i only yearn for some support from you, yet you turn down my positive thoughts into some crappy excuse. ):

16. oh, i went for a black metal gig with joe on sat (the day jo supposes to fly back! and yj gone). it was cool. the kinda things and places you never really see in singapore (nor can you imagine such a place does exist) it was quite an experience and the music is indeed quite therapeutic. though i imagine my life being shortened by some many hours with all the smoke... haha.

17. clubbin music still, and back to all the bands and the beats. nostalgia. oh, jack and rai performed at timbre when i was there, all the old school music like snow patrol-run, vertical horizon, hinder.. nice..

18. seems like there are so many weird moments for me, no?

19. so glad i can blog in peace. and i am really a night person.